HAPPY vs happy (Bahagia vs Gembira)

This few days had been really awful and miserable. Or should I say these few weeks?? Too many things had been going on in my mind and in my path of life. Lots of them are full of nonsense. There were also times when my thoughts and mind are just empty. And then in a split second whatever is going on in my mind would just change. An emotional rush. I can be smiling at one time and suddenly I would feel like crying my hearts out at other time. And there are also times when I don’t actually know what am I feeling at that point of time. Feel sooo lost and empty.

Nowadays, I get a lot of comments saying that I don’t look as cheerful as I used to. I don’t talk to people as often as before. I don’t make jokes and fun as I used to. I don’t smile as often as before. My smiles seems fake. I always look drowsy and pale. When there are many people said the same thing, then it must be true, right?

Once in a while, I do think about what people are saying to me. And I have to admit that what they are saying is quite true. It seems like I have lost my thoughts and spirits to live my life. What I am doing now is just living the life with no aim. I don’t think about what I want anymore. I don’t look forward to what excites me anymore. I don’t plan for things that can cheer me anymore. I don’t put effort to make my life fun anymore. I don’t expect for what is going to happen the next day anymore. I just don’t care about my life anymore. I feel like I have become heartless towards myself, my life and people around me. I just can’t think when did I stop to care. I just don’t look forward for the future anymore. There is a saying, “come what may”. I am just living the life for as long as I am still breathing. I just don’t care anymore.

Recently, someone made me think about the difference of being Happy and happy (Bahagia and Gembira). When was the last time I feel Happy (Bahagia) for myself? I just can’t think of when it was. While being happy (Gembira) can always happen in a very simple way. When I asked questions and students give respond, that can make me smile and happy. When I go on a date, that certainly make me feel happy. When I get to eat good food, that can make me happy. When I get a text from an ex-student of mine, that can make me happy. But, when was the last time that I feel Happy?? I mean the Happy feeling that can make me feel calm and at ease? I just could not think or recall the moment I feel Happy.

Previously, the ability to comfort other people would make me feel Happy. I would feel calm and great about being able to comforting other people. By comforting other people, it also brings comfort to myself. But nowadays, I need to make a lot of effort to comfort myself in order to comfort other people. I try really hard to ensure that other people can feel comfortable around me. In the end, it brings exhaustion to me and it made me into a monster that I never knew exist within me. I start to annoy people around me. I start to hurt those around me. I push people away from me. I feel like going away from everyone and put myself in a cave where nobody can find me. Everything that I do seems fake and forceful. There is hardly a sincerity in anything I do anymore. My work is all hanging and nothing is being done due to my lack of interest and motivation in life.

According to the doctor and counselor, I had unwillingly allow my space to be invaded. Thus, it is making me have no space for myself. Not even a little space left for myself and it is making me feel depressed and lost. There is nowhere for me to turn or to run into for a hiding to gain my freedom. Truthfully, I can’t really understand what they are saying. I am still trying to define what had been said to me. Sometime I feel like smashing my head to a wall just because my head hurt so bad just thinking of how to define this situations. So, at the end, I would just ignore all the thoughts again. And that would make me feel really lost and I just don’t know how to handle the situations.

Thinking about Happy and happy had really made me miss the old me. The happy me. The Happy me. The smile me. The motivated me. The excited me. The cheerful me. The adventure me. The ME in me.

I kept thinking of just dropping everything and get myself lost to a place where no one knows. I just want to escape to a place where I can calm myself and to find back myself, the old me, the Happy ME.

I am tired. I am freakin’ sick and tired…

Should I just leave everything behind and escape?

Advertisements

Kan dah cakap..

“Kan dah cakap..”

“Saya kan dah bitau..”

“Saya dah penah cakap dengan awak tapi awak tak ingat pun. Awak langsung tak ambil berat.”

Dan macam-macam lagi kata-kata yang seumpanya pernah dilontarkan. Bila ada yang berkata demikian, hati akan tersentap, otak akan mula ligat berputar.. Cuba mencari butir-butir bicara yang pernah disampaikan. Berhari-hari akan cuba untuk ingatkan kembali kata-kata yang telah diungkapkan. Namun, ingatan seakan kosong, langsung tidak mampu untuk ingat apa yang disampaikan. Adakalanya, kata-kata baru diungkapkan beberapa minit yang lalu, respon terhadap kata-kata itu pun telah diberi tetapi, beberapa detik kemudian, semua kata-kata itu seolah tidak pernah diungkapkan. Bukan sekali dua ia berlaku. Otak seakan tidak mampu menyimpan maklumat yang simple pun.

Seringkali jugak tersedar atau disedarkan dari pandangan yang kosong.. Kata mereka kuat mengelamun.. Tapi, langsung tidak sedar yang diri sedang memandang ke satu arah dengan pandangan yang kosong. Ada juga ketika bila ada yang bertanya, jawapannya tidak dapat diungkapkan. Bukannya tak tahu jawapan maka tidak boleh menjawab. Tetapi pemikiran menjadi seperti kosong. Tak boleh nak proses persoalan dan pertanyaan yang diajukan. Even a very simple question seems impossible to answer..

“Min, awak kena masuk meeting hari ni?”

“Cikgu, soalan ni kalau ada tambah dan darab buat cemana?”

“Ina, awak dah gi makan?”

“Na, keta awak ada blocking orang tak?”

Soalan-soalan yang mudah saja untuk dijawab pada kebiasaannya. Tapi, persoalan inilah yang pernah diajukan dan hanya dibalas dengan pandangan yang kosong. Terasa seperti seorang yang sangat bodoh pada masa dan ketika itu. Pernah beberapa kali kejadian seperti ini berlaku. Tidak pernah terlintas di fikiran bahawa itu adalah tanda-tanda awal stress.

Setiap hari dilalui seperti biasa. Cuba untuk memperbaiki kelemahan dalam berbicara. Malangnya, cubaan demi cubaan seringkali tidak berjaya dan mendatangkan kesedihan dan bengang dari yang rapat. Saban hari berfikir apa yang tidak kena. Tapi persoalan tak pernah ada jawapannya.

20 Julai 2018 – detik hitam bila diri hilang kawalan. Langsung tidak sedar dengan tindak tanduk yang diambil. Bersyukur kerana tidak ada yang cedera dari tindakan seperti orang yang hilang arah itu.

Atas nasihat dan pujukan teman-teman, aku mengikut mereka ke klinik dan doktor di klinik meminta mereka segera membawaku ke unit kecemasan bagi rawatan lanjut. Bimbang diri akan bertindak di luar kawal lagi. Terima kasih atas perhatian kalian.

Jika ada yang bertanya apa yang doktor kata, percayalah tidak semuanya kekal dalam pemikiran. Sering lupa, pemikiran yang kosong, blur, mudah rasa letih, sering rasa lost, sesak nafas adalah antara tanda-tanda stress. Banyak yang doktor perkatakan, tapi tidak semua ada dalam kotak ingatan.

Doktor beri preskripsi ubat fluvoxamine 25mg yang perlu diambil setiap hari tanpa henti. Hanya dibenarkan berhenti pengambilannya atas nasihat doktor. Bersungguh-sungguh merayu dengan doktor agar tidak perlu “on” kan ubat sebab kata doktor, bila dah start ubat, tak boleh berhenti dengan sesuka hati. 😫😫

Kesan dari pengambilan fluvoxamine… Sakit kepala, insomnia, mengantuk, gemuruh, rasa berdebar, berpeluh, hilang selera makan, mulut kering, sembelit, cirit birit, cepat letih, loya, muntah-muntah, peningkatan kadar denyutan jantung, sakit otot dan sendi, ruam, alahan. Lain orang, lainlah kesannya.

Sangat berharap pengambilan ubat ini hanya sementara sahaja dan tidak perlu diteruskan setelah berjumpa dengan pakar, dua minggu lagi.. 😢

Lost in Lala Land

Nowadays we could see many people going through depression.. They would act irrationally.. No one can ever imagine how can one person can do such an awful thing.. But once you have gone through those moment, then only you will know and understand that it was never their intention to do all those horrible thing..

Depression.. Trust me, it is a very serious matter.. Never in my wildest dreams or thought that I would have gone through such an experience.. When those thought came into your mind, you just lost yourself.. You are out of control.. You are not able to think straight.. You can hear all sorts of voices in you head.. What came into my mind at the time is to just wanna end everything.. I am just soooo sick and tired trying to fulfill everyone’s needs and desire..

I tried to talk nicely.. I tried to comfort people.. And suddenly the knife was in my hand.. I tried to think of what and how it happened but I can’t even remember how or what had happened.. I could only think of ending everything at that very time.. I just don’t want to go through those moment ever again.. My life is hard enough.. I just could not take it anymore.. When my mind came back, I just thought of going out of the house.. I was afraid that I would hurt someone.. I just had to get out of the house.. Did my very best and ran the fastest I could out of the house.. While all of this is happening, the knife was still in my hand. I was grabbing the knife tightly in my hand..

I drove my car.. I didn’t know where i was I heading.. I just drive.. When my mind came back, I was exiting to the PLUS highway.. I stopped at Petronas.. Try to calm myself down.. It was almost 8.00 pm.. I went out of the car and went to the surau to perform my Maghrib.. I sat there for some time.. My mind was a mess again.. I went to the car and start driving.. I drove with nothing in my mind.. There were several times I tried to run into the lorry and busses but it didn’t happen coz suddenly they slow down and there times they honk at me.. I stopped at Hentian Kulai.. I try to calm myself down again.. I cried.. I just could not think straight..

And so, I call him.. Hoping he could calm me down.. I started to talk nonsense again.. And it caused him anger.. I know I hurt him but I just could not stop.. I keep on talking nonsense.. I continue to drive trying to calm myself again.. He called me again and again.. I deciced to call him.. Again.. I was driving and I can’t hear him talking..So I just let him talk and I just drive.. I exit Simpang Renggam and headed back to home.. He was on the phone all the way.. I just let him nagging at me when I couldn’t even listen to his words.. When I finally got home and park my car, he was still on the phone.. I hung up on him and call ayah and my housemate.. Then I called him back.. We were on the phone for a long time.. Sincerely, I just could not recall what he said.. But I know I kept on talking nonsense and rubbish.. “Am I crazy?? Have I gone insane?? Should I just end my life and let others live peacefully without me??” These questions kept on repeating in my head while I was still on the phone with him and holding the knife tightly in my hand..

Thinking back to what happened last night, it was awful.. How did I get into that state of mind? What have I gone wrong? Where did this all things started? When did I start to get all stressed up until I became out of control? Why did I lost my mind up until that level??

Mohd Afif, I sincerely love you despite all my harsh words and unacceptable actions.. If Allah say that you are my other half, I want to spend my life with you in the future.. I know it might be unacceptable for you but am really sorry for every words and actions that hurt you all this time that we know each other..

Hazmanira, I have always accept everything about you.. I sincerely love as a friend, as a sister..We have been living together for a very long time.. We already know each other’s flaws too much.. We also understand each other very well.. We have gone through so many thick and thins of life.. We had travel together to many places, we do a lot of crazy things together.. We make so many memories together..

Mahirah and Aisyah, thank you for going through all the trouble with us.. Thank you for the support..

Love each and everyone of you..

Life

Just don’t say anything about the long silence..

Most of it because of the hectic work schedule and to top it off, it is due to the lack of interest and very lazy to work my mind into writing.. 😂

Well, how is life? I have to say that my life has been really hectic, lots of nonsense instruction from the upper people, much of a roller coaster ride I would say.. Many things had happened for the past few years.. There were ups and downs in my life.. There were rainbow colours that shines through some part of my life.. There were also dark sky that passes by my path of life..

I gain some new friends, lost few friends, had to say goodbye to some other as they moved to other school.. Found the love of my life (or so I thought).. Get to keep back in touch with some old friends.. The friendship still remain as long as you put effort into it.. Some of the friends who had moved to other school, we are still contact with each other.. Somethime I really miss their presence.. Really miss hanging out with them, gossipping with them (or in Malay words they call it “membawang”) 😁

Missing my teddy bear very much.. huggs& kisses 💕

Life was hectic.. Even now life is getting much more hectic and crazier I would say.. Despite all those nonsense, I seemed to be doing just fine managing those crazy and nonsense hectic life.. Crazy as it gets, my life was still bearable..

Nowadays, I seemed to lost myself.. I can’t figure out what is going on in my life.. I kept on repeatedly dissappointing people around me. Did my very best to pleased everyone.. Tried the hardest way I could possibly think of to make people around me feel comfortable at ease at all time.. But all those effort just went down the drain.. It was never enough.. They could not see any effort at all from me.. I feel so fatigue, restless, out of ideas. I can’t say much as my words would lead to their missunderstanding.. I also can’t keep silence as this will also make them feel uncomfortable and make them think all sorts of things, which was never on my mind..

I tried my very best and my very hardest to watch my words and actions.. But it was NEVER enough to any of them.. my words and actions often leads from one misunderstanding to another misunderstanding.. It is a never ending story of a misunderstanding.. I could never pleased people around me and I could not understand what are their expectations towards me.. Is it not enough???

I am feeling extremely exausted, so sick and tired of all these nonsense.. I seems to have lost myself and I just don’t know where or how to pick myself up again.. I am soooo lost..

BEING ALONE DOES NOT MEANS THAT YOU ARE LONELY..

BEING SINGLES DOES NOT MEANS THAT YOU.CAN NEVER BE HAPPY..

I want to live life to the fullest and be happy about it..

Banjir 4 November 2010

The flood happen during the holiday for Deepavali. I went back home to Alor Star with Liza. Liza followed me back because she wanted to attend my cousin’s wedding. But sadly, she did not manage to go anywhere due to the flood.

This was taken at 4 o'clock in the morning

This was taken at 4 o’clock in the morning

P1000531

Later, the water got higher..

Later, the water got higher..

The boy wanted to help as well.. So, the guard had to be by his side to calm him down..

The boy wanted to help as well.. So, the guard had to be by his side to calm him down..

Streets full of water..

Streets full of water..

The view from in front of the house..

The view from in front of the house..

After the flood..

After the flood..

In need of cleaning..

In need of cleaning..

 

 

Ho Chi Minh City May 2011

Went to Vietnam for the firs time with my family and of course, my dad’s friends.. I love to go on a family trip because I don’t have to make the plans on where to go or where to stay or what to eat.. I only need to follow where my dad go.. And he would make all those planning.. AND I can save money a bit.. Hehehee..

The thing that amazed me about Vietnam is their electric cables and the number of motorcycles on the road.. The electric cables were crazy.. I wonder what happen if one of the cables are faulty.. Then, the motorcycle is the main mode of transport for the Vietnamese people.. Although there were many motorcycles, they were tolerate.. I don’t see or hear any accidents while I was there..

P1010590 P1010592 P1010608 P1010760

On the second day we went to Chu Chi Tunnel. It was amazed on how they dig the tunnel and able to live under there with the tunnel system.. I went in the tunnel and can see many room in the tunnel.. Coming out from the tunnel with a back pain because I needed to make myself small in order to walk through the tunnel..

P1010632 P1010631 P1010622 P1010637

The next day we went to for Mekong River Tour.. It was nice to see the village near the Mekong River.. As for shopping, it was done everyday when we were there.. heheee…

P1010658 P1010665 P1010676 P1010678 P1010680 P1010689 P1010706 P1010710

The most fun part of the trip was SHOPPING..

P1010726 P1010727 P1010729 P1010730

Tanjung Piai, Johor September 2011

My nephew who is working in Johor held a wedding reception for his son. Since it would be the last wedding held by my nephew, my dad decided to go.. While in Johor, we went to Tanjung Piai which is the most southern part of Asia.. Tanjung Piai is located in Pontian, Johor..

P1010993

It was a long walk before we get to the most southern part of Asia..

P1010956P1010958   P1010961P1010981

Resting for a while..

Resting for a while..

P1010967P1010969

We made it..

We made it..

At the southern most tip of Mainland Asia

At the southern most tip of Mainland Asia