This few days had been really awful and miserable. Or should I say these few weeks?? Too many things had been going on in my mind and in my path of life. Lots of them are full of nonsense. There were also times when my thoughts and mind are just empty. And then in a split second whatever is going on in my mind would just change. An emotional rush. I can be smiling at one time and suddenly I would feel like crying my hearts out at other time. And there are also times when I don’t actually know what am I feeling at that point of time. Feel sooo lost and empty.
Nowadays, I get a lot of comments saying that I don’t look as cheerful as I used to. I don’t talk to people as often as before. I don’t make jokes and fun as I used to. I don’t smile as often as before. My smiles seems fake. I always look drowsy and pale. When there are many people said the same thing, then it must be true, right?
Once in a while, I do think about what people are saying to me. And I have to admit that what they are saying is quite true. It seems like I have lost my thoughts and spirits to live my life. What I am doing now is just living the life with no aim. I don’t think about what I want anymore. I don’t look forward to what excites me anymore. I don’t plan for things that can cheer me anymore. I don’t put effort to make my life fun anymore. I don’t expect for what is going to happen the next day anymore. I just don’t care about my life anymore. I feel like I have become heartless towards myself, my life and people around me. I just can’t think when did I stop to care. I just don’t look forward for the future anymore. There is a saying, “come what may”. I am just living the life for as long as I am still breathing. I just don’t care anymore.
Recently, someone made me think about the difference of being Happy and happy (Bahagia and Gembira). When was the last time I feel Happy (Bahagia) for myself? I just can’t think of when it was. While being happy (Gembira) can always happen in a very simple way. When I asked questions and students give respond, that can make me smile and happy. When I go on a date, that certainly make me feel happy. When I get to eat good food, that can make me happy. When I get a text from an ex-student of mine, that can make me happy. But, when was the last time that I feel Happy?? I mean the Happy feeling that can make me feel calm and at ease? I just could not think or recall the moment I feel Happy.
Previously, the ability to comfort other people would make me feel Happy. I would feel calm and great about being able to comforting other people. By comforting other people, it also brings comfort to myself. But nowadays, I need to make a lot of effort to comfort myself in order to comfort other people. I try really hard to ensure that other people can feel comfortable around me. In the end, it brings exhaustion to me and it made me into a monster that I never knew exist within me. I start to annoy people around me. I start to hurt those around me. I push people away from me. I feel like going away from everyone and put myself in a cave where nobody can find me. Everything that I do seems fake and forceful. There is hardly a sincerity in anything I do anymore. My work is all hanging and nothing is being done due to my lack of interest and motivation in life.
According to the doctor and counselor, I had unwillingly allow my space to be invaded. Thus, it is making me have no space for myself. Not even a little space left for myself and it is making me feel depressed and lost. There is nowhere for me to turn or to run into for a hiding to gain my freedom. Truthfully, I can’t really understand what they are saying. I am still trying to define what had been said to me. Sometime I feel like smashing my head to a wall just because my head hurt so bad just thinking of how to define this situations. So, at the end, I would just ignore all the thoughts again. And that would make me feel really lost and I just don’t know how to handle the situations.
Thinking about Happy and happy had really made me miss the old me. The happy me. The Happy me. The smile me. The motivated me. The excited me. The cheerful me. The adventure me. The ME in me.
I kept thinking of just dropping everything and get myself lost to a place where no one knows. I just want to escape to a place where I can calm myself and to find back myself, the old me, the Happy ME.
I am tired. I am freakin’ sick and tired…
Should I just leave everything behind and escape?